i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
MIDGETS
????
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
