she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
