So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
