Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
