Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
