I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
