I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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