Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
