he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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