my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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