this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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