I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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