he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
