My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
