Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
