You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
