I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I deserve this hangover.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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