so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
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We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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