im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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