Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize