I am in a vortex of obligation.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
