Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
