Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
