Do you still have your period?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
