I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
