She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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