at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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