I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Is it penis luge time yet?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
