May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
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