I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
