Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
