we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
