Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
