Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
two words...techno handjob
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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