I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
