I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
