it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
