there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
