I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Do vagina's smell?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
