I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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