im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
