Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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