i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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