I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
