so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
