I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
