There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
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just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
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Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.