no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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