She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
