so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
