Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
