What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
