I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
