i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
