nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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