i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
